Imagine the following:
A mother laments her relationship with her adult son. “I am constantly thinking of my son. I cook and bring over food. I gave him the down payment for his first mortgage. I babysit my grand daughter. But my son speaks to me with disdain. He doesn’t call.” Her voice quivers and her cheeks are streaked with tears. “He is an ungrateful child. What did I do to deserve this?” The emotions overtake her. A parent’s love often lives in obscurity and the most heroic sacrifice appears mundane. By some mysterious law of the cosmos, children do not easily grasp the forces that sponsor their flourishing. A parents’ devotion is like the beneficence of air, vital to life but nearly always taken for granted. However, the mother’s difficulty stems precisely from the validity of her experience, the accuracy of her assessment produces a painful predicament[1].
Our emotions arise in response to life situations; each valence carries weight and substance. That one can feel lonely and despondent, for example, is a recognition that can be safely taken as fact. The inner life is a facet of our existence; Insofar as our emotions are felt, we apprehend them as real and incontrovertible. Often, our feelings are not only valid but also justified. A mother’s disappointment in the face of a son’s neglect is entirely appropriate. In this sense, she is “right” to feel sad. However, despite the validity of our emotions, they often confine us to a prison of inner suffering.
First, a word on definition. I shall limit my use of “right” to two meanings: one, that which is accurate, veracious, correct and true, as in the forecasters were right about the arrival of rain; two, that which is legitimate and justified, as in she was right to demand an increase in salary. In both cases, to be right is to have valid claim, to hold warrant, to have standing.
The problem is not that we are not “right” in our perceptions, nor that we are unjustified in our positions, but that we are stuck in them. We can be right about a host of things and thus dig ourselves into a deep hole. Lucid insights are as much trouble as they are treasure ¾ they explicate and intoxicate at the same time. There is gravity in the precise diagnosis of a situation. Insight is empowering, and we are drawn to veracity’s orbit. To be in the right is to feel the density of one’s own substance, to stoke the flames of ego’s fire. Yet, this rightness of perception can lay hold of our faculties; we cleave to them despite the suffering entailed by our adherence. Life often requires more fluidity and flexibility than what is afforded by my claim to being right. So long as “rightness” trumps all other sensibilities, there is little possibility of movement.
A devoted employee is passed over for promotion[2]. “I’ve given ten years to this company, and yet the job goes to a junior who hasn’t contributed to the company’s growth like I have.” The grievance is as bitter as it is legitimate. At the same time, the grievance is a snare that traps its subject. Injustice fuels rage and resentment, which erect rigid walls that become an imposing fortress. The confined subject spins endlessly in cycles of negativity — he prefers the prison of righteous indignation over the spaciousness of the blue sky. He is right to feel angry, but he is also stuck.
Sometimes, we land upon an observation that clarifies our situation while reducing our options at the same time. For example, I often find myself circling back to the same trap with regards to the ecological crisis. On the one hand, we cannot induce widespread change by inflicting guilt on others, infringing on their freedom through coercive measures, thus provoking defense mechanisms that counteract our efforts. On the other, without swift and drastic action on a massive scale, we are all doomed to catastrophe. Such prognostication writes its own conundrum. The diagnosis induces the illness. It’s not that the observation is off-the mark, but that it lands us in despair, a space of breathless intractability. The elucidation provided by a “right” view can both empower and disempower at the same time. “Rightness” becomes the very hurtle that thwart progress.