A Necessary Change
Steven is a forty-year-old man who has worked in IT for the last 17 years. Having grown up in a family with little money, he started to work part-time as a teenager. He worked his way through college and moved straight into a tech position with a local company. Industrious by nature, Steven earned the trust of his superiors and moved up the ranks. Over the years, he married a kind, loving woman and saved enough money to buy a condo. However, long hours and an oppressive work culture began to wear him down. He felt no sense of excitement or interest in his work. Even his hobbies (video games and baseball cards) seemed less interesting. Life seemed to fade to black and white, with little excitement or joy to freshen his days.
Steven and I explored the causes of his unhappiness. It became clear to Steven that his sense of duty prematurely propelled him to adulthood, and he never experienced the freedom of youth. Steven also recognized that work had totalized his life, and his soul was dying. As we talked about an alternative, he began to talk about moving to another country. Excitement started to grow in his voice. The possibilities became clear.
However, the excitement was soon replaced by anxiety and concern. “What will I do with my condo, and how would I pay the mortgage?” he asked. The uncertainties seemed daunting, and his current obligations seemed non-negotiable. Why is it so hard to make a life change even when we know it is positive?
Why Letting Go Can Be Hard
The end of one stage of life can often bring grief and anxiety. We often find it hard to let go of a life stage because we have built our stability, purpose and identity around it. For people facing retirement, their careers might be where they have directed their energy toward something they enjoyed. Their work is where they feel a sense of competence. For someone facing the end of a relationship, the previous period is associated with love, affirmation, companionship, security, and the warmth of being lovable. Retirement is not about giving up the daily grind in exchange for the golf course; it is a shift in our vision of a good life. The end of a relationship is not simply parting with another person; it is reshaping our ability to face life on our own. Something that was once foundational is no longer present, and we have to build something new in its place. Each of these changes comes with significant inner work.
People who undergo life transitions often feel overwhelmed with anxiety. What if things don’t pan out? What if I hate my new job? What if I can’t make new friends in a new city? In the foggy space of uncertainty, anxiety pitches many frightening scenarios to fill the void. However, it is important to remember that feelings of doubt and uneasiness are not necessarily indications that you have made a mistake. They may mean that you are heading in the direction of meaningful change.
Here are some common reasons why transitions are difficult:
Identity shift
In a transition, our sense of self, roles, responsibilities and routines all change. The social connections that reinforce our identity may disappear. Whether we become new parents or caregivers, retire, or live alone for the first time, old norms can collapse. This can be a significant source of anxiety.
Loss of familiar routine
Routines often provide us with the feeling that life is predictable and manageable, and that we are able to meet the challenges at hand. Routines also provide a sense of life’s flow. We know what to do in the morning, throughout the day and into the evening. When routines are upended, everything feels like a new decision, which can bring anxiety and stress.
Decision overload
Major life transitions come with a long list of tasks. When moving to a new city, for example, we need to find a place to live, acquire new furniture, find a new job and establish a new social network. Each of these tasks can become a breeding ground for anxiety. Decision fatigue builds quietly; we may not notice it until we are ready to collapse.
Pressure of “Should”
Many people feel that they should feel a certain way about changes in their lives. Parents may feel that a baby’s arrival should be a joyful event, when in fact they feel exhausted and sleep-deprived. We can be happy about a change and find it difficult at the same time. It is important to make space for all emotions.
Practical Suggestions
Consider the following life changes and one specific action that may facilitate the transition.
| Instigating change | Why it feels difficult | One gentle act |
|---|---|---|
| Moving to a new home or city | Familiar places, routines, and social networks change at once | Maintain a routine that supported you prior to the change |
| Starting a new job or career shift | Competence feels unsteady and you are a beginner again, or you feel like an imposter | Expect a learning curve and name one thing you did well each day |
| A relationship shift | Roles, expectations, and daily rhythms change for both people | Make time to communicate what you need |
| Becoming a caregiver | New responsibilities arrive alongside grief for how things were | Ask one specific person for one specific form of help |
| Retirement | Structure and social contact tied to work disappear at once | Keep one scheduled commitment that gets you out of the house |
The uncertainties in each transition can be difficult to face. We can balance them with simple, specific actions that feel concrete:
Basic self-care: A good sleep routine, decent food and regular exercise can help with stress.
Keep two or three routines stable on purpose, especially ones that involve other people.
Adjust expectations. Don’t expect anxiety and grief to go away. Such expectations can lead to frustration and disappointment. Instead, watch how your anxiety and grief change as you move through the transition.
Remember that somewhere deep inside, your life needs to unfold in this way. A force inside you wants to grow and shift like the changing seasons. There is something in you that is able to handle the change. Trust in this innate capacity.
When to Seek Help
Many people navigate transitions without seeking counselling. Support from family and friends can help during difficult times. Maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as the overuse of alcohol, screens, video games, food and recreational drugs, may signal difficulty with adjustment. If a transition is disproportionately affecting your work, sleep, health or mood, it may be wise to seek professional support.
If you are thinking of harming yourself, call or text 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline in Canada. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
David Chang Counselling offers in-person and online counselling for people working through life transitions. Find out more about Life Transitions counselling. If you are dealing with a difficult life transition, you can request a consultation and share the challenges you face.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel anxious about a change I wanted?
Yes, it’s normal. Even a good change involves upending what was previously familiar. We have to change our routines, roles and even our identities. All this takes energy. There is a lot of uncertainty about what awaits us on the other side. However, the presence of anxiety does not mean we have made a mistake; it may mean we are onto something important.
How long does it take to adjust to a life change?
Different changes bring different periods of adjustment. There is no way to determine exactly how long it will take to settle into a new stage of life. You can get a sense of progress if things improve over time and you feel more settled about a new phase in life. If daily life feels unmanageable for a long time, or if you are falling into unhealthy coping habits, it may be time to seek help.
What can I do today to feel more stable?
Get a good night’s sleep. The restorative effects of sleep can help you cope with life’s changes. Eat a balanced diet. Whole foods (fruits, vegetables, legumes, meat, fish and dairy) can provide nutrients that support wellbeing during a stressful time. Regular movement and exercise can help support mood and wellbeing. Staying connected with friends and family can also help.
How do I know if I should talk to someone?
If you have persistent trouble with a transition and it is interfering with your life, reach out to a professional. You can request a consultation and discuss a plan for support.
